bathing in four hundred billion suns

there are times
where i am silent
and i curl up
on the floor boards
and stay hidden
inside of myself
where there is warmth
and
where my solitude is the sweetest symphony
that has ever been sung
to the earth
where i wash away
from
this planetary existence
dropping into
a higher me
voyaging into inner space
and silence
where i become
dust particles
in sun rays
i will lend you my skin
until i have no more flesh
to strip from these bones
until the taking me in
takes me away

and there are times
where i stand on the edge
with the wind sweeping
through the full spaces
between my fingers
racing through my hair
like wildfire
and i fucking roar
and i only shut my eyes
to blink
i rain
light beams
in becoming
and i float on
in my own
fierce divinity
if you could bathe in my heart tonight
it would burn you
with the strength
of four hundred billion suns.

melt inside my fire

i would like to lay here with you
tangled in the bones
of affection
the world is grey
and we are warm
buried in our blood
where we can
breathe away the sun
melt into the constellations
and the hum of the moon
strip me of my flesh
and crawl beneath the depths
of my purest being
let us devour
you and i
until
there is no more
you and i
to devour
only
us
to rest into
because there are nights
my dear
where i grow whole
in solitude
nights
where i hold myself
before i hold another
before i hold a you
still
there are nights
where the muscles in my arms
exhaust themselves
from holding the universe
and all of her planets
where my heart
swells up
from all the miss
where
fragility overpowers
where
i grow tired
of being brave
lay your weight on me
cover me
the way the stars
cover the black sky
where i can feel you
ten feet deep
inside my chest
and
inside the light
that crawls beneath my skin
where we paint the air surrounding us
with the sound of our moans
and i would like to breathe my love
into the
beating
of your heart
and every tip
of your fingers
and your eyelashes
we should all have love breathed into us
in all the times
not just in some of the times
not just in half the times
so tonight
i would like for you
to hold my fire
hold my body
in you
as if i were to crumble.

constellations birthed upon flesh

come in
from the night
quietly witness yourself
flying
inside
your everything
we are flicker
and flame
silent explosions
of dust
between the earth
and the sky
let go of this breath
drift away
from the surface
listen
to the planets sigh
the nebulas dance
thirteen billion light years
from where we are now
there is moonlight in your eyes
constellations birthed upon your flesh
feel yourself tangled
enveloped
by the light
dawn rises
and when she sees you
she sways
in devotion
painting you
in hues
of wild blood
whispering through
your skin
hold her
with the warmth that lives
upon your lips.

the astronomy of our spirit

maybe i will become the desert wind
maybe the dry heat
the air
and the honey hued sky
of this world will break me open
and in the wind
i will float once more
if you were to ever see me again
in this realm of existence or the one after
i will pull the final pieces of myself out
to become the mountains
if nothing
i will become something
for you to rest your bones into.

how we spill in bone silence

are you awake
i am right here
can you hear the words
falling from my mouth
the warmth from my whisper
that hits your neck
i sing you to sleep
with the stories i hold
buried inside of me
the fields sway
against iron sky
the moon grows
from the palms of my hands
there is a sun
being born in the
beat beat beat
of my heart
my pulse finds yours
between the spaces where your bones
have not locked
your head nestled
in the tangled lengths of my
seven month unbrushed
salty
sun embraced
matted
head of hair
you can taste my breathing
that has taken
a hold
of your own air
if you are going to live between my legs
and devour me
you can bet your sweet ass
i will have you
vibrate into
the core of my soul
too
so we can lay here
and lay here
and lay here
and your eyes open
briefly
and briefly
time cannot be measured
for you are an injection of adoration
straight into my veins
atom by atom
little by little
i feel you orbit into mine
i forget
where we were
where we are
where we could be
but every cross beam
of my rib cage
neurotransmitters crossing synaptic clefts
axon to dendrite
is grasping  
to the way
we spill together in bone silence.

heart wild

my heart is a river
it pours
it rages
it floods
it recedes
it flows
through vacant spaces
my heart beats
slow
it holds lungs
sometimes
it needs a silent reminder
to inhale
sometimes
it grasps the edges
of my ribs bones
and leaps
out
my heart
uses words
as weapons
and i breathe that quiet fire
into my lungs
i stand still
on my own two feet
watching my hands dissolve
inside
the corners of this earth
where gravity
is nameless
bright lights
hide beneath my skin
i dream in softer shades
splintered poems
where the sun is born in my chest
and then i dissolve
i am coming home
to the spirit
within
to full moon
eyes
weightless
i hold
myself
heart full
heart inhaling
heart crawling inside
the womb
of what is
ancient
of what is
oceanic.

sinking oceans

you could sink oceans
yet you wash upon my shore line
in gentle waves
the kind that leave traces
of sea foam
carved in sand grains
they always return
swaying in motion
some nights
i taste you in the back corners of my tongue
pouring through my skin
your waves
beating against my existence
i know there are things i will never understand
like space time and special relativity
how every single human on this planet is living a separate experience
how life melts
stillness swallows
the beat of my heart
has a voice in my ears
when i stand on top of the mountains
and how only you taste like
what the first breath of air
after not breathing for centuries
feels like
most nights
i remember how to swim
tonight
my limbs have been washed away
i am drowning
in you.

love dripped flesh

take in the landscape
of your own soul
of your vessel
the way a lover would
with tips of fingers
tracing the vibrancy upon
love dripped flesh
a field of sensation
to drown inside
finding your hands
and guiding them
over
external
and
internal
mountains
your cracking morning bones
a symphony
written in heart
with ten fingers
and uncountable beats
plant kisses upon your eye lids
whisper dreams within dreams
onto them
and the worlds
you have yet to discover
within all that you are
putting your mouth
upon every corner of skin
marked by ripples
of moonlight
falling from the skies mouth
to rain down
in healing
and breathe in
the scent of your blood
run free
until you discover
a rib cage
that allows
for heart migration
and cell entanglement
until you tread
into foreign bones
that could sink oceans
and steal gravities
but are soft enough
to run
inside
soul first.

a force to be reckoned with

you are not here to play small
you hold the suns fire
the depths of the ocean
you move like the tide
with ferocious beauty
swallowing the earth
and holding it
in the palms of your hands
simultaneously
crawl home
to your within
you are a force
to be reckoned with
a goddess
a warrior
of love
a creature that belongs
to the somewhere
to the everywhere
to the great divine
to the humble existence
of difference
drifting away
from the surface
from wading in the shallows
to the cosmic energy
we feel swirling all around
immersed in doings of your own
aware of the fullness
not the absence
you are here
to sway in the storm
to restore your soul
in silence
and feel the healing
beating in your chest
against your rib cage
you are here
to hold space in your heart
for flames
you are here
to grow eagle wings
and soar
rise
you are not here
to play small my darling.

the language of earth

i am in the mood to answer
to listen
without a breath of language uttered
the land sways
the clouds around here speak
the sun spills out
bleeding a silent devotion of morning gold
in the palm of the valleys
earth and sky
exchange infinity
the moons glow
pours into my lungs
the summer storms howl
drowning my flesh
in touch
in this vastness
this expansiveness
a dimension intertwined in the fabric
of time
and space
snaking together in one knotted spine
devouring my humanness
my ribs are branches
cradling the warm glow enclosed within
the waves wrestle one another
my limbs melt into the wisdom
of earthly matter
and stars pulled from the sky
i am taken away
from everything
that takes away from me.

if you were a landscape

if you were a landscape
i would let you swallow me whole

if you breathe in
i breathe in

i will spend decades
swimming in your sea
surrendering
to the flooding
the devouring
of my lungs.

a mouth and hands
to cradle
to crawl
to drink
the mountain ranges
growing from you
and the forty five million year old
fossilised amber
that mimic your eyes.

the gentle roar
of my lighting storm
and the hidden howl
within your downpour 

would be the most beautiful duet
leaving the universe
star spun
and
breathless. 

my core
drunk from the burn of your sun
bathing in wild flowers
that glow against the horizon
hotter than hell
despite your blaze.

i dance in your fire flies
and immerse myself
in the illumination of the
phosphorescent you leave in sand grains
i kiss the trail
as they fall from my bare skin
to find your light.

i would melt
in the infinite heat of your
cerros
sierras
deserts
and then dance
inside of you
and inhale
the arctic air
breathing onto me
beneath your full bellied moonlight.

i drift in your cloudbanks
and rest
within your world.

your shootings stars and supernovas
float through my oceans
your nebulas
upon my tongue
and if i were human
they would make a home
within my stomach. 

we are two lands
and i gravitate
towards your shoreline
cosmically.

the sound of silence

i have been writing a poem about silence for eighty four days
and there is nothing
and perhaps that is a poem in itself
to let silence be silence
to let an unwritten poem
be complete
some things on this earth
hold strengths beyond
beauty
time
space
power
suffering
elation
to be simply articulated
they should not be sought after
if it is not there
it is not there
if you do not feel it
you do not feel it
let it be in you
and let you be in it
vibrate with it
vibrate to far away galaxies
and stay within those galaxies
allow yourself space to rest
in this silence
let it crawl inside of you
until you can touch the silence
until you can feel it corroding your veins
in explosive collisions of epiphanies
within the whole of everything
you think you know
within the whole of everything
you believe you exist in
so tonight
my light pours outward
this silence pours
for you:

coexistence

your head is moulded in the curve between my rib cage and my hip
it is four in the morning
and i am not asleep
and i am not awake
i am smiling
i can here the tink tink of rain outside
and the wind howls with the storm that is brewing
and you are in the deepest sleep
experiencing your own consciousness
yet you still search
to fill the empty spaces between my fingers
you pull me into you
for skin on skin
for holding of my entirety
for our limbs to be tangled
i do not know where my legs start
or where yours end
and we do not say goodnight
instead we read bukowski together
until our eyes can no longer focus on his poems
and we speak about the theory of the five love languages
how each human shows affection differently
and if they do not show it how we do
we worry that the love is not there
the universe
coexisting energies
and the things between that we do not completely understand
before we close our eyes and rest into one another you spoke
"as long as our bodies are as close together as they can be throughout the night"
i will take that over any goodnight a man has uttered to me
i breathe you in
in alternate universes
and never feel you escape from my lungs
in any of those universes
the human heart beats 115,200 times a day
and i am no good with poems
or keeping plants alive
or keeping my lips off of you
or anything involving the left side of my brain
or numbers
but in terms of certainties
i am certain that you live in at least 183,970 of them
you found my words hidden in the back corners of my tongue
the blonde baby hairs on my stomach
between my thighs
behind my neck
upon my eye lids
and the tender placement
of your palm pressed against my cheek
when you discovered them hidden
inside of my mouth
and i discovered yours
hidden inside of your amber eyes
you cannot tell me
magic does not exist
when i have it
laying in the space between my rib cage
and my hip.

heart swelling

Sometimes words fail me.

Sometimes my heart peaks with the fullness of life.

Sometimes I believe oxygen needs a gentle reminder to adore my lungs.

Sometimes the beauty on this earth intensifies with every millisecond and I am left standing

watching

with a swollen heart. 

I am left settling the weight of my bones inside the dampness of the earth

leaves

mud

rock.

Sometimes my stomach churns with pure ecstasy.

Sometimes I wish to fold myself up into the magnificence held within this planet.

Sometimes I wonder how passionately, if at all, the stars do cartwheels and whisper their adoration down to the mountain tops when our bodies are cradled in a deep slumber.

Sometimes I wonder if human kind can love as fiercely and patiently as mother nature. 

Sometimes I believe you forget that what created the stars, also created you.

Sometimes swaying in a solitary silence is enough for me.

Sometimes I leave a piece of me in these places, and return more complete.

Sometimes all I can do is become the moon

and soak amongst muted dusk hues.

This is one of those sometimes.

drink you up

Tonight I am harvesting the midnight sky, the warming September breeze, howl of the moon and you.

I do not recognise you

I do not know who you are

but you have visited me in my dreams every night this last week.

Let the entire history of our adoration

be the way our limbs become tangled in one another

when the moon melts over us in a sliver

or half

or full bellied.

I do not really care, as long as I can drink you up.

I would like to slip under your skin

to soak myself in your sweet delight

this morning

this afternoon

this evening.

I wish for the air you breathe into my lungs to taste like what cedarwood and patchouli smells like

at two in the morning when the world is asleep

and our world is the only one burning so brightly it can be seen two point seven billion miles from earth. 

I wish for the only pain in this world to be the way winter’s chill can strip you of life, until spring cradles you in her arms and the cherry blossoms sing.

I wish to be so deep in you, that oceans tremble.

I wish to dance with you, in liminal spaces.

I wish for you to feel my softness, and the weight of my truth.

I wish to lay here with you, on these icy wooden floor boards when my mattress is an arms distance from where our bodies have collapsed into one another. For my sole intent is not to make love to you here tonight, not to drip in one another into the night, but to hold your gaze. To marvel at the way you illuminate from underneath me and trace your jawline with the tips of my fingers.

My eyes will not leave yours, until I crumble.

Then my lips will not leave yours.

I wish to map out where the sun wakes from your collarbones and storms brew along the horizon your spine.

The valleys and the deserts you are composed of.

The canyons formed upon your chest.

To breathe in your borders.

You are an infinite adventure. A path I wish to run along at dusk and crawl along at dawn.

I wish to find you in the sound of rain on a tin roof

in sea foam kissing the shore

rain on warm pavement

and the honey warmth of sunrise.

This will be our becoming.

Kiss me there

in the middle of my senten

collapse in rebirth

This is the truth of things

there will be moments in your life that will be exhausting.

You will understand the power of ocean tides eroding cliff sides

the same way loneliness has the power to erode humans.

It is okay to hold on tight

and to let go.

Be present.

Look around you.

This world can feel mighty.

Pack up the dust of all that you are.

Drench your fingers in starlight.

Let the light flow through

let it trickle through the crevasses of your being

let it howl

let it roar

let it be thunderous

for you are an auroral dance.

Sometimes

there will be tides that will unclench their fists and drown your entirety

there will be wolves and monsoons inside of your lungs

your ribs will become branches that snap in the most subtle of motions

veins cradling splinters and agony

and sometimes

there will be mountains you cannot move.

Feel the head on collision of tectonic plates, and rise.

Thirteen point seven billion years ago our universe sprung into singularity

stars have died

oceans swelled into deserts

creatures ceased to exist

but tonight you are here

in carbon, in oxygen, in hydrogen, in flesh, in blood, in bones, in finger nails

in creases that resemble canyons inside of your palms that held anothers who once swore they would stay.

A miracle unto yourself.

Surrender

and return in ten trillion sunrises.

hurricane of radiance

One of the most radical acts we can do on the planet right now as women is worship self-care. 

To cultivate self love.

To stand in our worth, with fierce divinity. 

Throw yourself heart first into the hurricane of magnetic radiance.

Sleeping naked with your limbs spread out like a star fish is lady like.

Throwing your finger in the air when you get cat called out of a car window is lady like.

Telling someone to go fuck themselves out of self respect and knowing your worth is lady like.

Telling a man to get out of your heart if he no longer immerses himself in the entirety of your heart, and the fire that is held within you is lady like.

Making love to yourself every single night is lady like.

Using no as a full sentence is lady like. 

Chasing horizons at dawn down highways that stretch into infinity in the middle of nowhere while wearing nothing but boots, ripped shorts, a lace bralette, dirt smothering your legs while you hold a bottle of whisky in one hand and your creativity in the other with heaving lungs of euphoria is lady like.

Ripping the flesh open raw on your ass upon snow capped mountains, standing up and falling another seven times on the same bloody wound that turns your white dress into hues of scarlet blood raging because you refuse to stay on the ground and wave that flag of surrender is lady like.

Packing your bags and refusing to settle for sex that is not an explosion of raw, pure heart to heart passion is lady like.

If he does not hurt your eyes the way the sun does when you stare for that second too long but your persistence holds the better of you

if he does not suffocate your soul with warmth the way fire warms the tips of your fingers in subzero temperatures

if you breathe in the universe and do not taste only him

if you do not come out dripping one another

if you do not want to make a home inside of his mind first and body second

walk away. Because that is lady like.

So go lie naked in bed like a star fish and take up space.

Kiss the empty spaces between your own bones like the divine goddess that you are.

Roar in your divinity and be your own fuck yes.

illuminating the light

If you are looking for her, she is the one illuminating the light.

The one whose eyes will take you home, when you are not sure what your definition of home is anymore.

She is a badass warrior woman.

A beautiful mess.

She knows her worth,

Her divine power,

 and stands in it relentlessly.

She chases what makes her come alive and loves her creations, settling for nothing less.

Fighting for it, sacrificing her life for it until she breathes her last breath.

She is the one running with the wolves all night, and showing up in the morning.

Standing by your side, with heart.

With growth.

A jar of whiskey in her left hand, a fistful of wisdom gifted to her from living richly in her right hand. 

If she is going to love, she is going to fucking love.

Gently and ferociously.

The only way she knows how.

She will drink you up.

She will taste the stars with you.

She will crawl inside of you.

She will crawl under the sheets with you

on all fours with a rye smile painted across her face,

or on the floor,

or on her desk,

or against the wall,

or in a forest with you

and when you inhale one another it will be as if you are breathing air for the first time.

Bathing in one another's light.

Drinking up all that you are, as one.

Getting so tangled up in one another, it will be hard to tell what is hers and what is your own.

Surrendering to the raw odour of passion protruding off of one another’s being.

One another’s unity.

You will find her with dirt stained on the soles of her bare feet, mud wrapping itself all over her once white lace dress. Twigs, sand, salt and fire in her wild locks that fall just over her nipples.

She is the one dancing butt ass naked in the kitchen, waking the neighbours as she fills herself with soulful tunes at five in the morning and drops into her hips.

Dancing in them, owning them. Brewing her turmeric and chaga mushroom tea, before falling into an otherworldly, meditative state of consciousness. In silence, embraced by the warmth of candle light.

She ain’t nobody’s baby, but speak with tenderness

with pure intent

with vulnerability

and she will share her path,

her warmth with you.

In humble gratitude for the simple existence of togetherness.

She will plant kisses upon your soul

and the spaces between your bones

through fleeting glances of fiery eye contact

through finger tips dancing upon your goosebumped skin

through stories told with a heartfelt passion

not just lips pressed against flesh.

And that is enough.

{Myself shot by Dean Raphael}

a collision of existence

In heart to heart we flourish

a collision of existence

to weather the most violent storms

and make homes out of the horizon at dusk where the moon still softly speaks

before the stars die out

before we can no longer hear our heart pump the blood that races through our veins

and the skies subtle hues steals the breath from our open mouths.

If we are going to talk, let us talk.

Throw away what is polite and let me swallow the air you inhale

and exhale.

Let us climb over the walls we have constructed.

Beat them down with bleeding hearts.

Beat them down with clenched fists

welcoming the crumbled bricks and the gravel that has made a home in our skin now

enduring the blood that is more our knuckles now than flesh

pour some whisky on your wounds and carry onward.

When time was what we were handed

and lovers who spat poison upon us

withering us down to a single star,

when we had universes inside of us.

A flickering flame,

when we were a blazing inferno.

Let us tear the fear from our bones.

Let us not chain our words behind our teeth.

If we are going to touch, then let us touch.

Like it is the first time we have been granted this sense

and the last time.

Glue the tips of your fingers to the warm glow of my skin

and lay my bones down gently.

Skin pressed against skin, let my tattoos stain the empty parts of your flesh.

Let my stories become your stories

my art your art.

With the calming chaos of our souls intwined.

In heart collisions we thrive

by part and by piece

I want to taste the universe that is held inside of you

because we were made for this.

create for you, not for the world

I will never be a woman who gets on her hands and knees and begs.

But if I am going to beg, I beg you to create for you. Not for what you think the world needs.

There are magnitudes of humans out there who will tell you, you cannot do this and you cannot do that, more than what you can do.

There are a magnitude of humans out there, who live in can’t’s, because it is safe there. 

But here is the thing, nothing wondrous ever happens in can’t’s.

We were not made for can’t’s.

And I find that shit scarier than the demons I have stared in the eyes and conquered.

I ain’t no life coach, therapist or fancy author that went to art school and accumulated mountains of debt and has ten degrees framed neatly on her wall as self validation, from an inner crippling fear of failure ingrained into her being by society.

No.

I can do a lot of other things than just tear out my heart and write with blood dripping upon these pages and give the entirety of my soul when I shoot.

I know a thing, or two, or fifty about Ayurvedic medicine and healing the human body holistically without the need for western medicine. Pills do not cure a diseased spirit.

Every morning I sit with the sunrise in silence and meditate for an hour. Before I consciously do life.

Every time I ride my bike I end up in some minor car accident with bruises and bloody thighs. But I shake off the dust, always. I’ll let karma handle the assholes that drive into me.

I own more camera lenses than shoes. I own three lenses.

Anything that was created circa 1920’s has a soft spot in my heart. Nothing is built to last these days, profit and greed is at the forefront of our thinking. These things have character, soul, stories. I melt in that.

I don’t own enough paper for the amount of illustrating and designing I do.

When I travel, I hardly have enough money for food. But it always ends up falling into place. Everything always does. When you’re scraping your last cents together with lint in your pockets, you find a way. When you’re at the bottom, you can only rise.

I thrive in simplicity.

I create with transparency, rawness and honesty. Because that is all I know how.

I don’t know everything. But I know this one thing.

Go do that thing that lights you on fire, for you.

Yell against your dying day with that hand of yours held upon your beating heart.